A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
Monday, March 30, 2009
Four Old Jewish Ladies
Four Jewish ladies were sitting around playing Mah Jongg. The first
lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all for such a long
time, and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a
kleptomaniac. But don't worry, I have never stolen from any of you
and never will. We have been friends for too long."
One of the other ladies says, "Well, since we are having true
confessions, I am a nymphomaniac, but don't worry. I have not hit on
any of your husbands, and never will, they don't interest me. We have
been friends for too long."
Well, says the third lady, "I too must confess. The reason I never
married is that I am a lesbian, but don't worry. I will never hit on
any of you. We have been friends for too long, and I don't want to
ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up and says, "I have a confession to make
also. I am a yenta, so please excuse me, I have a lot of calls to make."
NOTE: A "yenta" is someone who's always minding other people's business.
lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all for such a long
time, and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a
kleptomaniac. But don't worry, I have never stolen from any of you
and never will. We have been friends for too long."
One of the other ladies says, "Well, since we are having true
confessions, I am a nymphomaniac, but don't worry. I have not hit on
any of your husbands, and never will, they don't interest me. We have
been friends for too long."
Well, says the third lady, "I too must confess. The reason I never
married is that I am a lesbian, but don't worry. I will never hit on
any of you. We have been friends for too long, and I don't want to
ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up and says, "I have a confession to make
also. I am a yenta, so please excuse me, I have a lot of calls to make."
NOTE: A "yenta" is someone who's always minding other people's business.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
In Heaven
Everybody on Earth died and went to heaven. God came and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women."
The next time God looked the of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your spouses. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
The next time God looked the of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your spouses. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
UN Fantasy
Would that this would have occurred recently at the UN...
The representative from Israel began: "Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' He
removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them."
The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The
Palestinians weren't there then."
The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech..."
The representative from Israel began: "Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' He
removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them."
The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The
Palestinians weren't there then."
The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech..."
Efficiency Expert
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't
you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't
you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Memories
Three guys are debating who has the best memory and how far back it
goes.
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School."
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can
remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with
my mother."
The Deli
Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
'Why don't you people leave me alone?' the deli owner said. 'I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?'
'It's not your income that bothers us,' the agent said. 'It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife.'
'Oh, that?' the owner said smiling. 'Well... We also deliver.'
'Why don't you people leave me alone?' the deli owner said. 'I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?'
'It's not your income that bothers us,' the agent said. 'It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife.'
'Oh, that?' the owner said smiling. 'Well... We also deliver.'
Friday, March 27, 2009
Small Town
The sheriff of a small town in the South was less than cooperative with the local Jewish community.
One day a dead mule was found on the front steps of the synagogue. Rabbi Meltzer quickly called the police.
The sheriff answered and said, "Well, you have a dead mule. I thought you Rabbis take care of the dead."
"Of course we do," said Meltzer. "But it is proper and customary to first get in touch with their immediate family.
One day a dead mule was found on the front steps of the synagogue. Rabbi Meltzer quickly called the police.
The sheriff answered and said, "Well, you have a dead mule. I thought you Rabbis take care of the dead."
"Of course we do," said Meltzer. "But it is proper and customary to first get in touch with their immediate family.
Conversational Latin 101
Die dulci fruere.
Have a nice day.
Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.
Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!
Sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.
Furnulum pani nolo.
I don't want a toaster.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.
Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don't call me, I'll call you.
Illiud Latine dici non potest.
You can't say that in Latin.
Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas?
Seen any good movies lately?
Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.
Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur!
Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!
Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio.
Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.
Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.
Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!
Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!
Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!
Radix lecti
Couch potato
Have a nice day.
Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.
Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!
Sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.
Furnulum pani nolo.
I don't want a toaster.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.
Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don't call me, I'll call you.
Illiud Latine dici non potest.
You can't say that in Latin.
Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas?
Seen any good movies lately?
Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.
Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur!
Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!
Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio.
Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.
Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.
Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!
Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!
Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!
Radix lecti
Couch potato
Deathbed Wish
Mary was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband, David.
"David, you've been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I'm going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes,"
"I can't do that, darling" David said. "You're a size 12 and she's only a 6."
"David, you've been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I'm going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes,"
"I can't do that, darling" David said. "You're a size 12 and she's only a 6."
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Israeli-Palestinian Politics
What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?
An Italian - throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit
of rage.
A German - carefully washes the copy, sterilizes it and makes a
new cup of coffee.
A Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
A Chinese person - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
A Russian - Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra
with no charge.
An Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the
Chinese, drinks tea and uses the extra money to invent a device
that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
A Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his
coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan
from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the
money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house
where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the
Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should
give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian.
An Italian - throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit
of rage.
A German - carefully washes the copy, sterilizes it and makes a
new cup of coffee.
A Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
A Chinese person - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
A Russian - Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra
with no charge.
An Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the
Chinese, drinks tea and uses the extra money to invent a device
that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
A Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his
coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan
from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the
money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house
where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the
Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should
give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian.
Russian Military Strategy
At the Russian military academy, a General gave a lecture on "Potential Problems and Military Strategy". At the end of the lecture he asked if there are any questions.
An officer stood up and asked: "Will there be a third world war? Will Russia take part in it?"
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
The officer asked: "Who will be the enemy?"
The General: "All indications point to China."
All the audience is shocked, the officer asks: "General, we are only 250 million, but there are 1,500 million Chinese. Can we win at all?"
The General: "Just think about this. In modern warfare, it is not the quantity that matters but the quality. For example in the middle east we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 50 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."
After a small pause the officer asked, "Do we have enough Jews???"
An officer stood up and asked: "Will there be a third world war? Will Russia take part in it?"
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
The officer asked: "Who will be the enemy?"
The General: "All indications point to China."
All the audience is shocked, the officer asks: "General, we are only 250 million, but there are 1,500 million Chinese. Can we win at all?"
The General: "Just think about this. In modern warfare, it is not the quantity that matters but the quality. For example in the middle east we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 50 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."
After a small pause the officer asked, "Do we have enough Jews???"
Secret to Reaching Old Age
A doctor on his morning walk noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every other day, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Doctor's Orders
A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and more painful.
His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly subsided.
On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."
"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it...my maid said hot water."
His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly subsided.
On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."
"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it...my maid said hot water."
Words To Live By
Don't call someone a bad name if they have a loaded pistol; don't call your girlfriend Tina if her name is Vivien.
--George Underwood
It is not whether you win or lose, but who gets the blame.
--Blaine Nye
"How you play the game" is for college boys. When you're playing for money, winning is the only thing that counts.
--Leo Durocher
Be somebody. Know that a bunch of guys will do anything you tell 'em. Have your own way or nothin'.
--Edward G. Robinson (in Little Caesar, screenplay by Francis Edwards Faragoh)
Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.
--Daniel S. Greenberg
Don't let the same dog bite you twice.
--Chuck Berry
It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
--Dave Barry
It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
--H. L. Mencken
It is an immense advantage to have done nothing, but one should not abuse it.
--Comte de Rivarol
Honesty is the best policy and spinach is the best vegetable.
--Popeye
When the tides of life turn against you,
And the current upsets your boat,
Don't waste those tears on what might have been;
Just lay on your back and float.
--Art Carney (as Ed Norton in The Honeymooners)
The first thing to do when you're being stalked by an angry mob with raspberries is to release a tiger.
--John Cleese
--George Underwood
It is not whether you win or lose, but who gets the blame.
--Blaine Nye
"How you play the game" is for college boys. When you're playing for money, winning is the only thing that counts.
--Leo Durocher
Be somebody. Know that a bunch of guys will do anything you tell 'em. Have your own way or nothin'.
--Edward G. Robinson (in Little Caesar, screenplay by Francis Edwards Faragoh)
Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.
--Daniel S. Greenberg
Don't let the same dog bite you twice.
--Chuck Berry
It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
--Dave Barry
It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
--H. L. Mencken
It is an immense advantage to have done nothing, but one should not abuse it.
--Comte de Rivarol
Honesty is the best policy and spinach is the best vegetable.
--Popeye
When the tides of life turn against you,
And the current upsets your boat,
Don't waste those tears on what might have been;
Just lay on your back and float.
--Art Carney (as Ed Norton in The Honeymooners)
The first thing to do when you're being stalked by an angry mob with raspberries is to release a tiger.
--John Cleese
Freudian Light Bulbs
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.
Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.
Touching Story
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter lifted its front foot off the ground and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter lifted its front foot off the ground and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Travel Advisory Notice
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, these state tourism councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest; the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road,' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped ... by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-- because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too-- and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, 90 and 94 go two ways-- Interstates 29, 35 & 65 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot... his name is "Sir"... no matter how old he is.
Now, enjoy your visit.
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road,' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped ... by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-- because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too-- and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, 90 and 94 go two ways-- Interstates 29, 35 & 65 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot... his name is "Sir"... no matter how old he is.
Now, enjoy your visit.
Negligence Law
A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business
cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."
cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."
Fresh Parrot
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady was furious. She stormed past the store and went to her work.
On the way home, she saw the same parrot, and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day, on the way to work, the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and told the manager that she would sue the store and have the bird put to sleep. The store manager assured her that he would make sure the bird would not say she was ugly again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work, the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
Well, the lady was furious. She stormed past the store and went to her work.
On the way home, she saw the same parrot, and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day, on the way to work, the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and told the manager that she would sue the store and have the bird put to sleep. The store manager assured her that he would make sure the bird would not say she was ugly again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work, the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
Gambling
A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette wheel, she says, "I have no idea what number to play."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she puts all her money on number 32.
The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.
The woman fainted.
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she puts all her money on number 32.
The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.
The woman fainted.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Riding the Train
Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. Her neighbor was a very generous Black woman who stopped in one Saturday and asked, "Mrs Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my
daughter; can I get you anything?
Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed, "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's all paid for - why should you pay extra?"
The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name "Sadie Cohen."
"Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen, the person whose name appears on this ticket?"
The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively.
A little suspicious, the conductor asked, "Would you let me compare signatures - would you please sign your name?"
The Black lady turned indignantly and snapped, "Man, are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?"
daughter; can I get you anything?
Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed, "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's all paid for - why should you pay extra?"
The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name "Sadie Cohen."
"Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen, the person whose name appears on this ticket?"
The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively.
A little suspicious, the conductor asked, "Would you let me compare signatures - would you please sign your name?"
The Black lady turned indignantly and snapped, "Man, are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?"
Iowa-Minnesota Jokes
Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.
Q: Why do all the trees at the Minnesota Iowa border lean north?
A: Because Minnesota sucks
I.O.W.A. = Idiots Out Wandering About
Q. Why did they put astro turf on the Iowa football field?
A. To keep the Minnesota cheerleaders from grazing at halftime of the Iowa-Minnesota game.
Q: How do you get a Minnesota cheerleader in your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and shove.
In Iowa, if people are told they have six months to live, they move to Minnesota,where it seems like a decade.
Q. Why did the Hawkeye cross the road?
A. He didn't. He backed into it, the same way Iowa got into its last bowlgame.
Q. What do you get if you drive through Ames SLOWLY?
A. A degree in Engineering.
Q. What do Iowa State fans and Iowa fans have in common?
A. Neither of them went to the University of Iowa.
Did you hear about the skeleton they found in the closet on the Iowa State campus last weekend? He was the winner of the 1965 hide and seek contest.
Q. What's the difference between an Iowan girl and the garbage?
A. The garbage gets taken out once a week.
Q: What do you call an IQ of 76?
A: Des Moines.
Q: What's the only good thing to come out of Iowa?
A: Interstate 35.
Q: Why doesn't Iowa have a professional football team?
A: Because Minnesota would want one too.
Q: What do Iowa State and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Iowa State Cyclones?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Q: How many Iowa State fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.
Q: What does the average Iowa State University student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: How do you make Iowa State University cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: What do you call a Iowa State player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!
Q: Do you know why the Iowa State University football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: How many Iowa State University freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Ames?
A: Iowa City: 187 Miles
Q. What do you call 50 guys sitting around watching the Superbowl?
A. The Minnesota Vikings.
On Trial
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with
beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law
to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You damned bastard."
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,
"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime.
But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is
that a problem?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen
years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked
to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
Bob Hope Lines
ON TURNING 70
"You still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80
"That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100
"I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon . Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
"I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
"Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF
"Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS
"I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
"When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
"I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
"Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
"That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
"I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
"I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
"You still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80
"That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100
"I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon . Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
"I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
"Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF
"Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS
"I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
"When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
"I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
"Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
"That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
"I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
"I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Spousal Insults
"You were no great catch back then; today you'd be breaking the damn fishing pole."
"Hey, Ice Queen, no time to defrost tonight?"
"I thought the mammoth was extinct."
"Will the kids have to become cannibals or are we gonna eat?"
"Hey, Ice Queen, no time to defrost tonight?"
"I thought the mammoth was extinct."
"Will the kids have to become cannibals or are we gonna eat?"
New Supermarket
A new supermarket opened near my house and it has an automatic water mister that keeps the produce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh hay.
In the meat department, there's an aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
For the record, I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh hay.
In the meat department, there's an aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
For the record, I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
Benefits of Being A Woman
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
On The Beach
Ginny was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Ginny persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Ginny asked, "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Ginny, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. Afterwards, Ginny dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Ginny persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Ginny asked, "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Ginny, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. Afterwards, Ginny dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Lenin Is Dying
Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor. "The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this... will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."
"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"
"No problem," says Stalin. "Then, they will follow you."
"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."
"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"
"No problem," says Stalin. "Then, they will follow you."
Things Clients Say About Advertising and What They Really Mean
We want a slogan like "Just Do It"
Translation: We want to be the Nike of plumbing accessories.
We don't want your creativity to be constrained by a budget.
Translation: We are bankrupt.
Make the logo bigger.
Translation: You advertising people are all the same. All you want is to do some hoity-toity ad that's going to win you awards, take you to Miami on some overpriced photo shoot so you can do cocaine and spend my company's money on Bordeaux and osso bucco at four-star restaurants. Well, I'm on to your game. I may not know your fancy ad-talk, and I may not be able to figure out where you've hidden all the money for your hedonistic debauchery in my ad budget. But I do know one thing: people love my logo, dammit, and they want to see it. Personally, if it were up to me, I'd just buy a super-powered laser and project my logo on the moon. But since I can't, for now I'm stuck with you people.
We want a 'bite and smile' shot.
Translation: Even 'Ogilvy On Advertising' is too avant garde for me.
Which one of you is the writer?
Translation: We hate the copy.
Which one of you is the art director?
Translation: We want the logo bigger.
We'd like you to have a look at what Europe is doing with this brand.
Translation: You don't have an igloo's chance in hell of ever seeing this
commercial produced.
Here's how I think the headline should go:
Translation: I am a frustrated ex-English major.
We had a lot of learning on this one.
Translation: I have no clue about production costs. I am hoping to score points with my boss and save money by eliminating those expensive backgrounds.
I love the layout.
Translation: I hate the idea.
(In an ad with a group shot) I think we should have a black person in this group shot.
Translation: I am white.
(In an ad with only one person) Why is the person in this ad black?
Translation: I am white.
I hope you guys didn't have to work all weekend on this!
Translation: The power I have over you amuses me.
Translation: We want to be the Nike of plumbing accessories.
We don't want your creativity to be constrained by a budget.
Translation: We are bankrupt.
Make the logo bigger.
Translation: You advertising people are all the same. All you want is to do some hoity-toity ad that's going to win you awards, take you to Miami on some overpriced photo shoot so you can do cocaine and spend my company's money on Bordeaux and osso bucco at four-star restaurants. Well, I'm on to your game. I may not know your fancy ad-talk, and I may not be able to figure out where you've hidden all the money for your hedonistic debauchery in my ad budget. But I do know one thing: people love my logo, dammit, and they want to see it. Personally, if it were up to me, I'd just buy a super-powered laser and project my logo on the moon. But since I can't, for now I'm stuck with you people.
We want a 'bite and smile' shot.
Translation: Even 'Ogilvy On Advertising' is too avant garde for me.
Which one of you is the writer?
Translation: We hate the copy.
Which one of you is the art director?
Translation: We want the logo bigger.
We'd like you to have a look at what Europe is doing with this brand.
Translation: You don't have an igloo's chance in hell of ever seeing this
commercial produced.
Here's how I think the headline should go:
Translation: I am a frustrated ex-English major.
We had a lot of learning on this one.
Translation: I have no clue about production costs. I am hoping to score points with my boss and save money by eliminating those expensive backgrounds.
I love the layout.
Translation: I hate the idea.
(In an ad with a group shot) I think we should have a black person in this group shot.
Translation: I am white.
(In an ad with only one person) Why is the person in this ad black?
Translation: I am white.
I hope you guys didn't have to work all weekend on this!
Translation: The power I have over you amuses me.
Signs that show you're Italian...
1. You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds and shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
2. Your father owns five houses, has $800,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo.
3. You share a bathroom with your five brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000.00 Camaro.
4. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, and travel agent are all blood relatives.
5. You consider dunking a pack of cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast.
6. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
7. You are a card-carrying V.I.P. at more than 3 dance clubs.
8. Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just Do Me" tank top.
9. At least five of your cousins live on your street.
10. All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
11. A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.
12. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
13. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 8", it is presumed your mother had an affair.
14. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
15. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
16. At some point in your life, you were a D.J.
17. Thirty years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone.
2. Your father owns five houses, has $800,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo.
3. You share a bathroom with your five brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000.00 Camaro.
4. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, and travel agent are all blood relatives.
5. You consider dunking a pack of cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast.
6. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
7. You are a card-carrying V.I.P. at more than 3 dance clubs.
8. Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just Do Me" tank top.
9. At least five of your cousins live on your street.
10. All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
11. A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.
12. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
13. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 8", it is presumed your mother had an affair.
14. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
15. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
16. At some point in your life, you were a D.J.
17. Thirty years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone.
Caring Teacher
A young teacher began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
The teacher approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, the teacher noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, the teacher offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the teacher then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the friggin' goalie!"
The teacher approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, the teacher noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, the teacher offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the teacher then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the friggin' goalie!"
The Monk's Story
A man was driving down the road and broke down near a monastery. He
went to the monastery and knocked on the door. An elderly monk
answered the door, and he said, "My car broke down. Do you think I
could stay the night?"
The monks graciously welcomed him into the monastery, fed him dinner,
even fixed his car. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a
strange sound.
The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but they
said, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but thanked them and went on his way.
Some years later, the same man broke down in front of the same
monastery. The monks welcomed him, fed him, even fixed his car. That
night, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard years
earlier.
The next morning, he asked what the noise was, but the monks
replied, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man said, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. How do I
become a monk?"
The monks replied, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When
you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man set about his task. Forty-five years later, he returned and
knocked on the door of the monastery. He said, "I have traveled the
Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are
145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand
pebbles on the Earth."
The monks replied, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now
show you the way to the sound."
The monks led the man to a wooden door, where the head monk
said, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He said, "Real
funny. may I have the key?" The monks gave him the key, and he opened
the door. Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone. The
man demanded the key to the stone door. The monks gave him the key,
and he opened it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demanded
another key from the monks, who provided it. Behind that door was
another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had
gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks said, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man was relieved to no end. He unlocked the door, turned the
knob, and behind that door he was amazed to find the source of that
strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it was because you're not a monk.
went to the monastery and knocked on the door. An elderly monk
answered the door, and he said, "My car broke down. Do you think I
could stay the night?"
The monks graciously welcomed him into the monastery, fed him dinner,
even fixed his car. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a
strange sound.
The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but they
said, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but thanked them and went on his way.
Some years later, the same man broke down in front of the same
monastery. The monks welcomed him, fed him, even fixed his car. That
night, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard years
earlier.
The next morning, he asked what the noise was, but the monks
replied, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man said, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. How do I
become a monk?"
The monks replied, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When
you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man set about his task. Forty-five years later, he returned and
knocked on the door of the monastery. He said, "I have traveled the
Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are
145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand
pebbles on the Earth."
The monks replied, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now
show you the way to the sound."
The monks led the man to a wooden door, where the head monk
said, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He said, "Real
funny. may I have the key?" The monks gave him the key, and he opened
the door. Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone. The
man demanded the key to the stone door. The monks gave him the key,
and he opened it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demanded
another key from the monks, who provided it. Behind that door was
another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had
gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks said, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man was relieved to no end. He unlocked the door, turned the
knob, and behind that door he was amazed to find the source of that
strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it was because you're not a monk.
Gentile Jokes
A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says:
"This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says:
"It's $500."
The Gentile says,
"OK, I'll take it."
----
Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says,
"You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?"
The other Gentile says,
"Just great! Thanks for asking!"
-----
Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about their children. Gentile mother #1 says (with pride): "My son is a construction worker!"
Gentile mother #2 says (with more pride): "My son is a truck driver!"
----
A man calls his mother and says,
"Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."
----
A Gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant. The man says:
"I'll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the Julienne salad with house dressing. We'll both have coffee."
The waiter says: "How would you like your steak and salad prepared?"
The man says "I'd like the steak medium, the salad is fine as is."
The waiter says: "Thank you."
----
A Gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks,
"Mom, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"
She says, "I feel fine, and I don't need anything. Thanks for calling."
----
A Gentile woman meets an old Gentile friend. The friend asks,
"How is your son getting along?"
The Gentile woman says:
"He's just fine. He just turned 35."
"And where does he live?" asks the friend.
"He lives at home with me. I don't think he'll ever get married."
The friend says,
"How nice."
"This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says:
"It's $500."
The Gentile says,
"OK, I'll take it."
----
Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says,
"You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?"
The other Gentile says,
"Just great! Thanks for asking!"
-----
Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about their children. Gentile mother #1 says (with pride): "My son is a construction worker!"
Gentile mother #2 says (with more pride): "My son is a truck driver!"
----
A man calls his mother and says,
"Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."
----
A Gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant. The man says:
"I'll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the Julienne salad with house dressing. We'll both have coffee."
The waiter says: "How would you like your steak and salad prepared?"
The man says "I'd like the steak medium, the salad is fine as is."
The waiter says: "Thank you."
----
A Gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks,
"Mom, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"
She says, "I feel fine, and I don't need anything. Thanks for calling."
----
A Gentile woman meets an old Gentile friend. The friend asks,
"How is your son getting along?"
The Gentile woman says:
"He's just fine. He just turned 35."
"And where does he live?" asks the friend.
"He lives at home with me. I don't think he'll ever get married."
The friend says,
"How nice."
Friday, March 20, 2009
20 Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Wow, and your feet are so big.
6. It's OK, we'll work around it.
7. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
8. Oh no... a flash headache.
9. Can I be honest with you?
10. How sweet, you brought incense.
11. This explains your car.
12. At least this won't take long.
13. I never saw one like that before.
14. But it still works, right?
15. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
16. Are you cold?
17. If you get me real drunk first.
18. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
19. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
20. I guess this makes me the early bird.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Wow, and your feet are so big.
6. It's OK, we'll work around it.
7. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
8. Oh no... a flash headache.
9. Can I be honest with you?
10. How sweet, you brought incense.
11. This explains your car.
12. At least this won't take long.
13. I never saw one like that before.
14. But it still works, right?
15. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
16. Are you cold?
17. If you get me real drunk first.
18. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
19. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
20. I guess this makes me the early bird.
...Walks Into A Bar
John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre." So the bartender gave her one.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre." So the bartender gave her one.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
Two Beggars
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar
sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest and, turning to the beggar with the cross and says, "Moishe... look who's trying to teach the Levine Brothers about marketing."
sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest and, turning to the beggar with the cross and says, "Moishe... look who's trying to teach the Levine Brothers about marketing."
Magic Mirror
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance
who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something
false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three," and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three," and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something
false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three," and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three," and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
Hillbilly Jokes
How many hillbillies does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky:
Hey, you sure don't sweat much for a fat woman."
Did you hear about the hillbilly who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a hillbilly?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The hillbilly gets emotionally involved.
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
How can you tell if a hillbilly is married?
There are tobacco juice stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky:
Hey, you sure don't sweat much for a fat woman."
Did you hear about the hillbilly who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a hillbilly?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The hillbilly gets emotionally involved.
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
How can you tell if a hillbilly is married?
There are tobacco juice stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
Advice
Show me a guy who's afraid to look bad, and I'll show you a guy you can beat every time.
--Lou Brock
Never tell a woman that you didn't realize she was pregnant unless you're certain that she is.
--Dave Barry
The best advice I ever got was to marry the girl I did. And she gave me the advice.
--General Mark Clark
The advice that means the most to me right now was not delivered directly to me. It's something I read that Fred Astaire said about his dance routines: "Get it 'til it's perfect, then cut two minutes."
--Susan Stamberg
I once complained to my father that I didn't seem to be able to do things the same way other people did. Dad's advice? "Margo, don't be a sheep. People hate sheep. They eat sheep."
--Margo Kaufman
My high school English teacher at the Bronx High School of Science, Dr. Isobel Gordon, used to deal with smart but lazy students who were trying to coast through her classes by telling us: "Don't smell the poem--read it!" In other words, don't slide by; dig in and reach for the best you've got.
--Jeff Greenfield
The best advice I've ever received was from my first editor, Paul C. Smith, as I began my column in July 1938: "For god's sake, kid, be entertaining. And remember, I have a short attention span."
--Herb Caen
"Take a chance--Columbus did."
--Bud Collins (from his mother)
The best advice I ever received was back in 1958 when I was playing the piano in a bar on Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C. A congressman came up to me and said, "Kid, stop singing `Stardust' and start singing about Congress. We are funny. Pay attention to us and you will have a brand-new career." I never got to thank him. He was indicted shortly after that.
--Mark Russell
The best advice I've ever received is the advice I have for young broadcasters: "The best way to sound like you know what you're talking about is to know what you're talking about." But young broadcasters rarely ask for advice. "How did you get your job? How much money do you make?" -- that's what they want to know.
--Scott Simon
Take the cash.
--Joe Queenan
"Young man, never be a solemn ass."
--Tom Wicker (from Jonathan Daniels)
--Lou Brock
Never tell a woman that you didn't realize she was pregnant unless you're certain that she is.
--Dave Barry
The best advice I ever got was to marry the girl I did. And she gave me the advice.
--General Mark Clark
The advice that means the most to me right now was not delivered directly to me. It's something I read that Fred Astaire said about his dance routines: "Get it 'til it's perfect, then cut two minutes."
--Susan Stamberg
I once complained to my father that I didn't seem to be able to do things the same way other people did. Dad's advice? "Margo, don't be a sheep. People hate sheep. They eat sheep."
--Margo Kaufman
My high school English teacher at the Bronx High School of Science, Dr. Isobel Gordon, used to deal with smart but lazy students who were trying to coast through her classes by telling us: "Don't smell the poem--read it!" In other words, don't slide by; dig in and reach for the best you've got.
--Jeff Greenfield
The best advice I've ever received was from my first editor, Paul C. Smith, as I began my column in July 1938: "For god's sake, kid, be entertaining. And remember, I have a short attention span."
--Herb Caen
"Take a chance--Columbus did."
--Bud Collins (from his mother)
The best advice I ever received was back in 1958 when I was playing the piano in a bar on Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C. A congressman came up to me and said, "Kid, stop singing `Stardust' and start singing about Congress. We are funny. Pay attention to us and you will have a brand-new career." I never got to thank him. He was indicted shortly after that.
--Mark Russell
The best advice I've ever received is the advice I have for young broadcasters: "The best way to sound like you know what you're talking about is to know what you're talking about." But young broadcasters rarely ask for advice. "How did you get your job? How much money do you make?" -- that's what they want to know.
--Scott Simon
Take the cash.
--Joe Queenan
"Young man, never be a solemn ass."
--Tom Wicker (from Jonathan Daniels)
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Bad Pick-Up Lines
"Hey baby, hurry up and write down your phone number before I don't want it anymore."
"No wonder the sky is gray today, all the blue is in your eyes."
"If I told you that you have a great body would you hold it against me?
"Whoa, I thought I had ALREADY met the most beautiful girl in this place!
"I know milk does a body good, but have you been overdosing?"
"Hey Baby, You have calves that would make any cow jealous."
"As long as you are here, would you mind helping me burp the air out of my water bed?"
"How do you want your eggs in the morning? How about fertilized?"
"I'm sorry, I'm new in town...Could you please give me directions to your place?"
"Do you believe in Love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?"
"Got a name? Or shall I call you mine?"
"No wonder the sky is gray today, all the blue is in your eyes."
"If I told you that you have a great body would you hold it against me?
"Whoa, I thought I had ALREADY met the most beautiful girl in this place!
"I know milk does a body good, but have you been overdosing?"
"Hey Baby, You have calves that would make any cow jealous."
"As long as you are here, would you mind helping me burp the air out of my water bed?"
"How do you want your eggs in the morning? How about fertilized?"
"I'm sorry, I'm new in town...Could you please give me directions to your place?"
"Do you believe in Love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?"
"Got a name? Or shall I call you mine?"
Little Johnny's Psych Lesson
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Shrink Joke
The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "That old patient, Jack, is in the waiting room asking to see you again. This time he claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
Sentence Structure Matters!
Why Sentence structure is so important...
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you please jack off?" she says. "I feel like crap today."
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you please jack off?" she says. "I feel like crap today."
Hard of Hearing Wife
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do"?
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question, until she hears you. Then, you'll come back here and tell me the result and I can recommend something"
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey"?
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.
Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer.
Finally, he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner"?
She replies, "For the fourth time, I said chicken!"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question, until she hears you. Then, you'll come back here and tell me the result and I can recommend something"
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey"?
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.
Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer.
Finally, he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner"?
She replies, "For the fourth time, I said chicken!"
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Checking In
So I checked into a hotel and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
Little Johnny's Math Lesson
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6.' Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the friggng difference?" asks the father.
Johnny replies, "That's what I said!"
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6.' Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the friggng difference?" asks the father.
Johnny replies, "That's what I said!"
Generic Ethnic Joke
A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly
considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another
person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of
imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner
consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and
proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish
conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion
proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning
of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his
companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his
membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took
offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!
considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another
person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of
imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner
consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and
proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish
conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion
proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning
of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his
companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his
membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took
offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!
Village Elects Dead Mayor
You have to love the quote in this article...
Romania village elects dead mayor
Romanian villagers have voted to re-elect a dead man as their mayor, to prevent his living rival winning. Neculai Ivascu - who led Voinesti for almost two decades - died from a liver disease on Sunday, too late to cancel the contest.
The village's loyal residents still gave him 23 more votes than his rival, Gheorghe Dobrescu of the ruling National Liberal Party.
"I know he died, but I don't want change," one villager told Romanian TV.
In a controversial decision, the electoral commission declared the runner-up and rival Mr Dobrescu the winner. Neculai Ivascu's party, the opposition Social Democrat Party, has said it will contest the decision. Some villagers have also called for a fresh vote.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7459695.stm
Romania village elects dead mayor
Romanian villagers have voted to re-elect a dead man as their mayor, to prevent his living rival winning. Neculai Ivascu - who led Voinesti for almost two decades - died from a liver disease on Sunday, too late to cancel the contest.
The village's loyal residents still gave him 23 more votes than his rival, Gheorghe Dobrescu of the ruling National Liberal Party.
"I know he died, but I don't want change," one villager told Romanian TV.
In a controversial decision, the electoral commission declared the runner-up and rival Mr Dobrescu the winner. Neculai Ivascu's party, the opposition Social Democrat Party, has said it will contest the decision. Some villagers have also called for a fresh vote.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7459695.stm
Two Quickies
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Ask your mom.
How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Mean Woman at Wal-Mart
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart...Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell, no they ain't twins. The
oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart...Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell, no they ain't twins. The
oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
A Frenchman, An Englishman, and a New Yorker...
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce, primitive tribe in the Amazon.
The tribal chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you we're going to kill you, and then bind your skins together to make a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison". The chief gives him some poison extracted from local berries. The Frenchman says "Viva la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please". The chief gives him an old pistol. He points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs his shoulders and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts rapidly jabbing himself all over his stomach, his ribs, his chest, his backside, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's a horrible sight.
The native chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing?"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says "So much for your damn canoe, asshole!”
The tribal chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you we're going to kill you, and then bind your skins together to make a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison". The chief gives him some poison extracted from local berries. The Frenchman says "Viva la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please". The chief gives him an old pistol. He points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs his shoulders and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts rapidly jabbing himself all over his stomach, his ribs, his chest, his backside, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's a horrible sight.
The native chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing?"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says "So much for your damn canoe, asshole!”
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Texan Psych Student
The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Iowa, "What is the opposite of Joy?"
"Sadness," said the U Iowa student.
"And the opposite of depression?" He asked a young lady from Northwestern University.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Iowa, "What is the opposite of Joy?"
"Sadness," said the U Iowa student.
"And the opposite of depression?" He asked a young lady from Northwestern University.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
St. Patrick's Skull
Paddy, a New Yorker pub owner flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human Skulls.
"What are you doing?" asked the American.
"I'm selling skulls," replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have?" he asked.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Paddy. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland ... god bless his soul."
"Sorry," said Paddy , "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's correct!" said the Irishman.
"I have to have that!" said Paddy and paid him $500.00 in cash.
Paddy flew back home and mounted his Skull on the wall in his pub. People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five-year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune. So Paddy flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.
"Oh my God!," said Paddy, "You're still here!?"
"Sure and begorrah, I am, still selling skulls," replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have today?" said Paddy .
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Paddy. "Who have you gat this time?"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland ... god bless his soul."
"I'm sorry," said Paddy, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"Aye, that I did!" said the Irishman.
"Well!" said Paddy, "I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a skull, a bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick's."
"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now! Well, you see, this is St. Patrick when he was but a wee lad!"
"What are you doing?" asked the American.
"I'm selling skulls," replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have?" he asked.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Paddy. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland ... god bless his soul."
"Sorry," said Paddy , "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's correct!" said the Irishman.
"I have to have that!" said Paddy and paid him $500.00 in cash.
Paddy flew back home and mounted his Skull on the wall in his pub. People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five-year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune. So Paddy flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.
"Oh my God!," said Paddy, "You're still here!?"
"Sure and begorrah, I am, still selling skulls," replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have today?" said Paddy .
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Paddy. "Who have you gat this time?"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland ... god bless his soul."
"I'm sorry," said Paddy, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"Aye, that I did!" said the Irishman.
"Well!" said Paddy, "I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a skull, a bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick's."
"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now! Well, you see, this is St. Patrick when he was but a wee lad!"
Talking Clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the student replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," said the student, who then proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering hit with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's 2:30 in the morning!"
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the student replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," said the student, who then proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering hit with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's 2:30 in the morning!"
One More for St. Pat's Day
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband, Shamus, is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband, Shamus, is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
More Offensive St. Patrick's Day Jokes
What do you call an Irish couple who use the rhythm method of birth control?
Parents.
****
An eight-year-old Irish kid walked into a pub, stepped up to the bar, and said to the barmaid, "Gimme a double whiskey."
She looked at him and said, "What do you want to do, get me into trouble?"
"Maybe later," the kid said. "But for now, just give me the whiskey."
****
An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"
The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"
"For fathering that playboy son," the Irishman replied.
****
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"
The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."
"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented. "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."
"No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled her."
****
The new bride wanted to make sure she was doing everything properly. So she went to confession one Saturday and asked Father McCarthy, "Father, is it all right to have intercourse before communion?"
"Certainly, my dear," the priest replied. "As long as we don't make too much noise."
****
Mrs. McGuire was driving down the street with twelve children in her station wagon when she zipped right through a stop sign. A nearby policeman chased her, put on his flashers, and pulled her over. When he went up to her window, he asked, "Lady, don't you know when to stop?"
"Two of them ain't mine," she replied, pointing back over her shoulder.
Parents.
****
An eight-year-old Irish kid walked into a pub, stepped up to the bar, and said to the barmaid, "Gimme a double whiskey."
She looked at him and said, "What do you want to do, get me into trouble?"
"Maybe later," the kid said. "But for now, just give me the whiskey."
****
An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"
The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"
"For fathering that playboy son," the Irishman replied.
****
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"
The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."
"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented. "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."
"No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled her."
****
The new bride wanted to make sure she was doing everything properly. So she went to confession one Saturday and asked Father McCarthy, "Father, is it all right to have intercourse before communion?"
"Certainly, my dear," the priest replied. "As long as we don't make too much noise."
****
Mrs. McGuire was driving down the street with twelve children in her station wagon when she zipped right through a stop sign. A nearby policeman chased her, put on his flashers, and pulled her over. When he went up to her window, he asked, "Lady, don't you know when to stop?"
"Two of them ain't mine," she replied, pointing back over her shoulder.
Offensive St. Patrick's Day Jokes
How does Irish Anonymous function?
If you feel like going on the wagon, a couple of drunks bring over a bottle.
****
The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
****
How can you tell if an Irishman found a $10 bill?
Smell his breath.
****
O'Riley walked into the bedroom to find his wife rolling in the hay with another man. "What in the name of St. Paddy is going on? Who is this man?"
His wife thought for a moment, then said, "That's a fair question." She turned to the other man and asked, "What's your name?"
****
Paddy visited his parents the day after his wedding. His father took him aside and asked, "How did it go last night, son?"
Paddy winked and elbowed his dad. "Gee, great. You know, the way she was acting, I think I could have screwed her."
****
Define a problem drinker in Ireland.
A guy who never buys.
****
Why don't they cremate Irishmen?
The last time they tried, it took a week to put out the fire.
If you feel like going on the wagon, a couple of drunks bring over a bottle.
****
The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
****
How can you tell if an Irishman found a $10 bill?
Smell his breath.
****
O'Riley walked into the bedroom to find his wife rolling in the hay with another man. "What in the name of St. Paddy is going on? Who is this man?"
His wife thought for a moment, then said, "That's a fair question." She turned to the other man and asked, "What's your name?"
****
Paddy visited his parents the day after his wedding. His father took him aside and asked, "How did it go last night, son?"
Paddy winked and elbowed his dad. "Gee, great. You know, the way she was acting, I think I could have screwed her."
****
Define a problem drinker in Ireland.
A guy who never buys.
****
Why don't they cremate Irishmen?
The last time they tried, it took a week to put out the fire.
New Son-In-Law
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
Blonde Joke
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
Diamond Ring
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
"She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
Things You'll Hear Only in the South . . .
Exclamations . . .
"Well, knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!"
Threats . . .
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Good Things/Compliments . . .
"Cute as a sack full of puppies"
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits"
The Weather . . .
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot".
Descriptions . . .
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off".
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count".
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats".
He ran "like his feet was on fire and his ass was a-catchin".
A hectic schedule keeps you "busier than a cat covering crap on a marble
floor".
Insults . . .
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits"
(Any insulting statement is always followed by "Bless his/her heart".)
"Well, knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!"
Threats . . .
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Good Things/Compliments . . .
"Cute as a sack full of puppies"
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits"
The Weather . . .
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot".
Descriptions . . .
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off".
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count".
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats".
He ran "like his feet was on fire and his ass was a-catchin".
A hectic schedule keeps you "busier than a cat covering crap on a marble
floor".
Insults . . .
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits"
(Any insulting statement is always followed by "Bless his/her heart".)
Monday, March 16, 2009
You Know You're Trailer Trash When...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People".
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart "'cause there's a law against it."
You dated one of your parents' current spouses... in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People".
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart "'cause there's a law against it."
You dated one of your parents' current spouses... in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Bar
A blond, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman, an American, and a Scotsman walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"
The bartender said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"
College
One man was talking to another one day. He asked, "So where is that boy of yours?"
Josh is in college," the second man replied.
"What's he taking?"
The second man grimaced, "Every cent I have."
Josh is in college," the second man replied.
"What's he taking?"
The second man grimaced, "Every cent I have."
In The Elevator
A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says,"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "THANK GOODNESS! I thought you said "Turn around."
The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "THANK GOODNESS! I thought you said "Turn around."
The Cowboy
This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up it tail, and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
"Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
"Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
"Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
"Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
Hillbillies At the Mall
A hillbilly boy and his father, who lived in the moutains, were at the new shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father "What is this, Pappy?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son "Go get your mother!"
The boy asked his father "What is this, Pappy?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son "Go get your mother!"
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Man Falls Off His Barstool
I'm sitting in a bar, having a drink. To my right, the guy at the next barstool keeps falling off and onto the floor. I pick him up each time. Finally, I said, "Bartender, where does this guy live? He must really be bombed. I'll give him a lift home."
The bartender tells me where the guy lives. I grab the fellow, dragl him down to the car, open the back door, he falls down. I pick him up, put him in the back seat. I get to the address they gave me. I pull him out, he falls down three more times. I pick him up each time. I knock on the door. "Mrs. Phillips, I brought your husband home."
She says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
The bartender tells me where the guy lives. I grab the fellow, dragl him down to the car, open the back door, he falls down. I pick him up, put him in the back seat. I get to the address they gave me. I pull him out, he falls down three more times. I pick him up each time. I knock on the door. "Mrs. Phillips, I brought your husband home."
She says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
Frank Perdue Jr. is granted a private audience with the Pope. "Your holiness," he says, "I've heard that the Church has suffered some financial reversals, so I'm here with a proposal that can benefit both of us. I'm prepared to donate a hundred million dollars to the Church, provided you make one small change in the Lord's Prayer.
Where it says, `Give us this day our daily bread...' Well, I'd like you to consider changing just the end of that line to: `Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
The Pope is taken aback. "That's a most unusual request," he says, "but it's certainly a substantial kindness that you're offering the Church. Let me discuss your offer with the College of Cardinals, and I'll be back in touch with you in a few days."
As soon as Perdue leaves, the Pope convenes an emergency meeting of the Cardinals. "I've got good news and bad news, boys," he says, "The good news is that Perdue is going to donate 100 million dollars to us. THe bad news is I think we're going to have to resign the Wonder Bread account."
Where it says, `Give us this day our daily bread...' Well, I'd like you to consider changing just the end of that line to: `Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
The Pope is taken aback. "That's a most unusual request," he says, "but it's certainly a substantial kindness that you're offering the Church. Let me discuss your offer with the College of Cardinals, and I'll be back in touch with you in a few days."
As soon as Perdue leaves, the Pope convenes an emergency meeting of the Cardinals. "I've got good news and bad news, boys," he says, "The good news is that Perdue is going to donate 100 million dollars to us. THe bad news is I think we're going to have to resign the Wonder Bread account."
The New CEO
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Three Wishes
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding?" He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?!"
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding?" He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?!"
CIA Loses Track of One of Its Operatives
The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.
The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"
So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy."
The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too."
Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning."
The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."
The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"
So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy."
The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too."
Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning."
The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."
Drunk Stumbles Into A bar
Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and asks if a cab could be called for him.
Roy grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the same bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door.
A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
Roy looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries, "MAAAN! How many damn bars do you work at?
The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and asks if a cab could be called for him.
Roy grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the same bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door.
A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
Roy looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries, "MAAAN! How many damn bars do you work at?
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