Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, these state tourism councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest; the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road,' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped ... by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-- because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too-- and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, 90 and 94 go two ways-- Interstates 29, 35 & 65 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot... his name is "Sir"... no matter how old he is.
Now, enjoy your visit.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Negligence Law
A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business
cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."
cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."
Fresh Parrot
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady was furious. She stormed past the store and went to her work.
On the way home, she saw the same parrot, and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day, on the way to work, the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and told the manager that she would sue the store and have the bird put to sleep. The store manager assured her that he would make sure the bird would not say she was ugly again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work, the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
Well, the lady was furious. She stormed past the store and went to her work.
On the way home, she saw the same parrot, and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day, on the way to work, the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and told the manager that she would sue the store and have the bird put to sleep. The store manager assured her that he would make sure the bird would not say she was ugly again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work, the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
Gambling
A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette wheel, she says, "I have no idea what number to play."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she puts all her money on number 32.
The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.
The woman fainted.
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she puts all her money on number 32.
The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.
The woman fainted.
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