1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Wow, and your feet are so big.
6. It's OK, we'll work around it.
7. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
8. Oh no... a flash headache.
9. Can I be honest with you?
10. How sweet, you brought incense.
11. This explains your car.
12. At least this won't take long.
13. I never saw one like that before.
14. But it still works, right?
15. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
16. Are you cold?
17. If you get me real drunk first.
18. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
19. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
20. I guess this makes me the early bird.
Friday, March 20, 2009
...Walks Into A Bar
John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre." So the bartender gave her one.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre." So the bartender gave her one.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
Two Beggars
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar
sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest and, turning to the beggar with the cross and says, "Moishe... look who's trying to teach the Levine Brothers about marketing."
sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest and, turning to the beggar with the cross and says, "Moishe... look who's trying to teach the Levine Brothers about marketing."
Magic Mirror
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance
who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something
false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three," and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three," and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something
false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three," and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three," and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
Hillbilly Jokes
How many hillbillies does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky:
Hey, you sure don't sweat much for a fat woman."
Did you hear about the hillbilly who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a hillbilly?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The hillbilly gets emotionally involved.
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
How can you tell if a hillbilly is married?
There are tobacco juice stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky:
Hey, you sure don't sweat much for a fat woman."
Did you hear about the hillbilly who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a hillbilly?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The hillbilly gets emotionally involved.
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
How can you tell if a hillbilly is married?
There are tobacco juice stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
Advice
Show me a guy who's afraid to look bad, and I'll show you a guy you can beat every time.
--Lou Brock
Never tell a woman that you didn't realize she was pregnant unless you're certain that she is.
--Dave Barry
The best advice I ever got was to marry the girl I did. And she gave me the advice.
--General Mark Clark
The advice that means the most to me right now was not delivered directly to me. It's something I read that Fred Astaire said about his dance routines: "Get it 'til it's perfect, then cut two minutes."
--Susan Stamberg
I once complained to my father that I didn't seem to be able to do things the same way other people did. Dad's advice? "Margo, don't be a sheep. People hate sheep. They eat sheep."
--Margo Kaufman
My high school English teacher at the Bronx High School of Science, Dr. Isobel Gordon, used to deal with smart but lazy students who were trying to coast through her classes by telling us: "Don't smell the poem--read it!" In other words, don't slide by; dig in and reach for the best you've got.
--Jeff Greenfield
The best advice I've ever received was from my first editor, Paul C. Smith, as I began my column in July 1938: "For god's sake, kid, be entertaining. And remember, I have a short attention span."
--Herb Caen
"Take a chance--Columbus did."
--Bud Collins (from his mother)
The best advice I ever received was back in 1958 when I was playing the piano in a bar on Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C. A congressman came up to me and said, "Kid, stop singing `Stardust' and start singing about Congress. We are funny. Pay attention to us and you will have a brand-new career." I never got to thank him. He was indicted shortly after that.
--Mark Russell
The best advice I've ever received is the advice I have for young broadcasters: "The best way to sound like you know what you're talking about is to know what you're talking about." But young broadcasters rarely ask for advice. "How did you get your job? How much money do you make?" -- that's what they want to know.
--Scott Simon
Take the cash.
--Joe Queenan
"Young man, never be a solemn ass."
--Tom Wicker (from Jonathan Daniels)
--Lou Brock
Never tell a woman that you didn't realize she was pregnant unless you're certain that she is.
--Dave Barry
The best advice I ever got was to marry the girl I did. And she gave me the advice.
--General Mark Clark
The advice that means the most to me right now was not delivered directly to me. It's something I read that Fred Astaire said about his dance routines: "Get it 'til it's perfect, then cut two minutes."
--Susan Stamberg
I once complained to my father that I didn't seem to be able to do things the same way other people did. Dad's advice? "Margo, don't be a sheep. People hate sheep. They eat sheep."
--Margo Kaufman
My high school English teacher at the Bronx High School of Science, Dr. Isobel Gordon, used to deal with smart but lazy students who were trying to coast through her classes by telling us: "Don't smell the poem--read it!" In other words, don't slide by; dig in and reach for the best you've got.
--Jeff Greenfield
The best advice I've ever received was from my first editor, Paul C. Smith, as I began my column in July 1938: "For god's sake, kid, be entertaining. And remember, I have a short attention span."
--Herb Caen
"Take a chance--Columbus did."
--Bud Collins (from his mother)
The best advice I ever received was back in 1958 when I was playing the piano in a bar on Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C. A congressman came up to me and said, "Kid, stop singing `Stardust' and start singing about Congress. We are funny. Pay attention to us and you will have a brand-new career." I never got to thank him. He was indicted shortly after that.
--Mark Russell
The best advice I've ever received is the advice I have for young broadcasters: "The best way to sound like you know what you're talking about is to know what you're talking about." But young broadcasters rarely ask for advice. "How did you get your job? How much money do you make?" -- that's what they want to know.
--Scott Simon
Take the cash.
--Joe Queenan
"Young man, never be a solemn ass."
--Tom Wicker (from Jonathan Daniels)
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