The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Iowa, "What is the opposite of Joy?"
"Sadness," said the U Iowa student.
"And the opposite of depression?" He asked a young lady from Northwestern University.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
St. Patrick's Skull
Paddy, a New Yorker pub owner flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human Skulls.
"What are you doing?" asked the American.
"I'm selling skulls," replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have?" he asked.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Paddy. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland ... god bless his soul."
"Sorry," said Paddy , "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's correct!" said the Irishman.
"I have to have that!" said Paddy and paid him $500.00 in cash.
Paddy flew back home and mounted his Skull on the wall in his pub. People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five-year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune. So Paddy flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.
"Oh my God!," said Paddy, "You're still here!?"
"Sure and begorrah, I am, still selling skulls," replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have today?" said Paddy .
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Paddy. "Who have you gat this time?"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland ... god bless his soul."
"I'm sorry," said Paddy, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"Aye, that I did!" said the Irishman.
"Well!" said Paddy, "I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a skull, a bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick's."
"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now! Well, you see, this is St. Patrick when he was but a wee lad!"
"What are you doing?" asked the American.
"I'm selling skulls," replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have?" he asked.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Paddy. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland ... god bless his soul."
"Sorry," said Paddy , "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's correct!" said the Irishman.
"I have to have that!" said Paddy and paid him $500.00 in cash.
Paddy flew back home and mounted his Skull on the wall in his pub. People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five-year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune. So Paddy flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.
"Oh my God!," said Paddy, "You're still here!?"
"Sure and begorrah, I am, still selling skulls," replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have today?" said Paddy .
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Paddy. "Who have you gat this time?"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland ... god bless his soul."
"I'm sorry," said Paddy, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"Aye, that I did!" said the Irishman.
"Well!" said Paddy, "I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a skull, a bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick's."
"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now! Well, you see, this is St. Patrick when he was but a wee lad!"
Talking Clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the student replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," said the student, who then proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering hit with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's 2:30 in the morning!"
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the student replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," said the student, who then proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering hit with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's 2:30 in the morning!"
One More for St. Pat's Day
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband, Shamus, is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband, Shamus, is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
More Offensive St. Patrick's Day Jokes
What do you call an Irish couple who use the rhythm method of birth control?
Parents.
****
An eight-year-old Irish kid walked into a pub, stepped up to the bar, and said to the barmaid, "Gimme a double whiskey."
She looked at him and said, "What do you want to do, get me into trouble?"
"Maybe later," the kid said. "But for now, just give me the whiskey."
****
An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"
The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"
"For fathering that playboy son," the Irishman replied.
****
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"
The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."
"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented. "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."
"No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled her."
****
The new bride wanted to make sure she was doing everything properly. So she went to confession one Saturday and asked Father McCarthy, "Father, is it all right to have intercourse before communion?"
"Certainly, my dear," the priest replied. "As long as we don't make too much noise."
****
Mrs. McGuire was driving down the street with twelve children in her station wagon when she zipped right through a stop sign. A nearby policeman chased her, put on his flashers, and pulled her over. When he went up to her window, he asked, "Lady, don't you know when to stop?"
"Two of them ain't mine," she replied, pointing back over her shoulder.
Parents.
****
An eight-year-old Irish kid walked into a pub, stepped up to the bar, and said to the barmaid, "Gimme a double whiskey."
She looked at him and said, "What do you want to do, get me into trouble?"
"Maybe later," the kid said. "But for now, just give me the whiskey."
****
An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"
The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"
"For fathering that playboy son," the Irishman replied.
****
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"
The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."
"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented. "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."
"No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled her."
****
The new bride wanted to make sure she was doing everything properly. So she went to confession one Saturday and asked Father McCarthy, "Father, is it all right to have intercourse before communion?"
"Certainly, my dear," the priest replied. "As long as we don't make too much noise."
****
Mrs. McGuire was driving down the street with twelve children in her station wagon when she zipped right through a stop sign. A nearby policeman chased her, put on his flashers, and pulled her over. When he went up to her window, he asked, "Lady, don't you know when to stop?"
"Two of them ain't mine," she replied, pointing back over her shoulder.
Offensive St. Patrick's Day Jokes
How does Irish Anonymous function?
If you feel like going on the wagon, a couple of drunks bring over a bottle.
****
The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
****
How can you tell if an Irishman found a $10 bill?
Smell his breath.
****
O'Riley walked into the bedroom to find his wife rolling in the hay with another man. "What in the name of St. Paddy is going on? Who is this man?"
His wife thought for a moment, then said, "That's a fair question." She turned to the other man and asked, "What's your name?"
****
Paddy visited his parents the day after his wedding. His father took him aside and asked, "How did it go last night, son?"
Paddy winked and elbowed his dad. "Gee, great. You know, the way she was acting, I think I could have screwed her."
****
Define a problem drinker in Ireland.
A guy who never buys.
****
Why don't they cremate Irishmen?
The last time they tried, it took a week to put out the fire.
If you feel like going on the wagon, a couple of drunks bring over a bottle.
****
The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
****
How can you tell if an Irishman found a $10 bill?
Smell his breath.
****
O'Riley walked into the bedroom to find his wife rolling in the hay with another man. "What in the name of St. Paddy is going on? Who is this man?"
His wife thought for a moment, then said, "That's a fair question." She turned to the other man and asked, "What's your name?"
****
Paddy visited his parents the day after his wedding. His father took him aside and asked, "How did it go last night, son?"
Paddy winked and elbowed his dad. "Gee, great. You know, the way she was acting, I think I could have screwed her."
****
Define a problem drinker in Ireland.
A guy who never buys.
****
Why don't they cremate Irishmen?
The last time they tried, it took a week to put out the fire.
New Son-In-Law
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
Blonde Joke
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
Diamond Ring
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
"She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
Things You'll Hear Only in the South . . .
Exclamations . . .
"Well, knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!"
Threats . . .
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Good Things/Compliments . . .
"Cute as a sack full of puppies"
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits"
The Weather . . .
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot".
Descriptions . . .
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off".
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count".
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats".
He ran "like his feet was on fire and his ass was a-catchin".
A hectic schedule keeps you "busier than a cat covering crap on a marble
floor".
Insults . . .
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits"
(Any insulting statement is always followed by "Bless his/her heart".)
"Well, knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!"
Threats . . .
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Good Things/Compliments . . .
"Cute as a sack full of puppies"
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits"
The Weather . . .
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot".
Descriptions . . .
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off".
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count".
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats".
He ran "like his feet was on fire and his ass was a-catchin".
A hectic schedule keeps you "busier than a cat covering crap on a marble
floor".
Insults . . .
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits"
(Any insulting statement is always followed by "Bless his/her heart".)
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