Man Falls Off His Barstool

I'm sitting in a bar, having a drink. To my right, the guy at the next barstool keeps falling off and onto the floor. I pick him up each time. Finally, I said, "Bartender, where does this guy live? He must really be bombed. I'll give him a lift home."

The bartender tells me where the guy lives. I grab the fellow, dragl him down to the car, open the back door, he falls down. I pick him up, put him in the back seat. I get to the address they gave me. I pull him out, he falls down three more times. I pick him up each time. I knock on the door. "Mrs. Phillips, I brought your husband home."

She says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

Frank Perdue Jr. is granted a private audience with the Pope. "Your holiness," he says, "I've heard that the Church has suffered some financial reversals, so I'm here with a proposal that can benefit both of us. I'm prepared to donate a hundred million dollars to the Church, provided you make one small change in the Lord's Prayer.

Where it says, `Give us this day our daily bread...' Well, I'd like you to consider changing just the end of that line to: `Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

The Pope is taken aback. "That's a most unusual request," he says, "but it's certainly a substantial kindness that you're offering the Church. Let me discuss your offer with the College of Cardinals, and I'll be back in touch with you in a few days."

As soon as Perdue leaves, the Pope convenes an emergency meeting of the Cardinals. "I've got good news and bad news, boys," he says, "The good news is that Perdue is going to donate 100 million dollars to us. THe bad news is I think we're going to have to resign the Wonder Bread account."

The New CEO

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."