Checking In

So I checked into a hotel and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

Little Johnny's Math Lesson

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6.' Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the friggng difference?" asks the father.

Johnny replies, "That's what I said!"

Generic Ethnic Joke

A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly
considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another
person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of
imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner
consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and
proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish
conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion
proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning
of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his
companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his
membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took
offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!

Village Elects Dead Mayor

You have to love the quote in this article...


Romania village elects dead mayor

Romanian villagers have voted to re-elect a dead man as their mayor, to prevent his living rival winning. Neculai Ivascu - who led Voinesti for almost two decades - died from a liver disease on Sunday, too late to cancel the contest.

The village's loyal residents still gave him 23 more votes than his rival, Gheorghe Dobrescu of the ruling National Liberal Party.

"I know he died, but I don't want change," one villager told Romanian TV.

In a controversial decision, the electoral commission declared the runner-up and rival Mr Dobrescu the winner. Neculai Ivascu's party, the opposition Social Democrat Party, has said it will contest the decision. Some villagers have also called for a fresh vote.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7459695.stm

Two Quickies

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Mean Woman at Wal-Mart

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart...Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell, no they ain't twins. The
oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

A Frenchman, An Englishman, and a New Yorker...

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce, primitive tribe in the Amazon.

The tribal chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you we're going to kill you, and then bind your skins together to make a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison". The chief gives him some poison extracted from local berries. The Frenchman says "Viva la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please". The chief gives him an old pistol. He points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs his shoulders and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts rapidly jabbing himself all over his stomach, his ribs, his chest, his backside, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's a horrible sight.

The native chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing?"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says "So much for your damn canoe, asshole!”