Doctor's Orders

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and more painful.

His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly subsided.

On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."

"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it...my maid said hot water."

Words To Live By

Don't call someone a bad name if they have a loaded pistol; don't call your girlfriend Tina if her name is Vivien.
--George Underwood

It is not whether you win or lose, but who gets the blame.
--Blaine Nye

"How you play the game" is for college boys. When you're playing for money, winning is the only thing that counts.
--Leo Durocher

Be somebody. Know that a bunch of guys will do anything you tell 'em. Have your own way or nothin'.
--Edward G. Robinson (in Little Caesar, screenplay by Francis Edwards Faragoh)

Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.
--Daniel S. Greenberg

Don't let the same dog bite you twice.
--Chuck Berry

It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
--Dave Barry

It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
--H. L. Mencken

It is an immense advantage to have done nothing, but one should not abuse it.
--Comte de Rivarol

Honesty is the best policy and spinach is the best vegetable.
--Popeye

When the tides of life turn against you,
And the current upsets your boat,
Don't waste those tears on what might have been;
Just lay on your back and float.
--Art Carney (as Ed Norton in The Honeymooners)

The first thing to do when you're being stalked by an angry mob with raspberries is to release a tiger.
--John Cleese

Freudian Light Bulbs

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.

Touching Story

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter lifted its front foot off the ground and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.