Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. Her neighbor was a very generous Black woman who stopped in one Saturday and asked, "Mrs Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my
daughter; can I get you anything?
Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed, "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's all paid for - why should you pay extra?"
The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name "Sadie Cohen."
"Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen, the person whose name appears on this ticket?"
The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively.
A little suspicious, the conductor asked, "Would you let me compare signatures - would you please sign your name?"
The Black lady turned indignantly and snapped, "Man, are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?"
Monday, March 23, 2009
Iowa-Minnesota Jokes
Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.
Q: Why do all the trees at the Minnesota Iowa border lean north?
A: Because Minnesota sucks
I.O.W.A. = Idiots Out Wandering About
Q. Why did they put astro turf on the Iowa football field?
A. To keep the Minnesota cheerleaders from grazing at halftime of the Iowa-Minnesota game.
Q: How do you get a Minnesota cheerleader in your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and shove.
In Iowa, if people are told they have six months to live, they move to Minnesota,where it seems like a decade.
Q. Why did the Hawkeye cross the road?
A. He didn't. He backed into it, the same way Iowa got into its last bowlgame.
Q. What do you get if you drive through Ames SLOWLY?
A. A degree in Engineering.
Q. What do Iowa State fans and Iowa fans have in common?
A. Neither of them went to the University of Iowa.
Did you hear about the skeleton they found in the closet on the Iowa State campus last weekend? He was the winner of the 1965 hide and seek contest.
Q. What's the difference between an Iowan girl and the garbage?
A. The garbage gets taken out once a week.
Q: What do you call an IQ of 76?
A: Des Moines.
Q: What's the only good thing to come out of Iowa?
A: Interstate 35.
Q: Why doesn't Iowa have a professional football team?
A: Because Minnesota would want one too.
Q: What do Iowa State and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Iowa State Cyclones?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Q: How many Iowa State fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.
Q: What does the average Iowa State University student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: How do you make Iowa State University cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: What do you call a Iowa State player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!
Q: Do you know why the Iowa State University football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: How many Iowa State University freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Ames?
A: Iowa City: 187 Miles
Q. What do you call 50 guys sitting around watching the Superbowl?
A. The Minnesota Vikings.
On Trial
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with
beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law
to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You damned bastard."
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,
"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime.
But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is
that a problem?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen
years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked
to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
Bob Hope Lines
ON TURNING 70
"You still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80
"That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100
"I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon . Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
"I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
"Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF
"Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS
"I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
"When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
"I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
"Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
"That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
"I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
"I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
"You still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80
"That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100
"I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon . Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
"I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
"Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF
"Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS
"I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
"When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
"I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
"Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
"That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
"I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
"I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
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