Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor. "The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this... will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."
"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"
"No problem," says Stalin. "Then, they will follow you."
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Things Clients Say About Advertising and What They Really Mean
We want a slogan like "Just Do It"
Translation: We want to be the Nike of plumbing accessories.
We don't want your creativity to be constrained by a budget.
Translation: We are bankrupt.
Make the logo bigger.
Translation: You advertising people are all the same. All you want is to do some hoity-toity ad that's going to win you awards, take you to Miami on some overpriced photo shoot so you can do cocaine and spend my company's money on Bordeaux and osso bucco at four-star restaurants. Well, I'm on to your game. I may not know your fancy ad-talk, and I may not be able to figure out where you've hidden all the money for your hedonistic debauchery in my ad budget. But I do know one thing: people love my logo, dammit, and they want to see it. Personally, if it were up to me, I'd just buy a super-powered laser and project my logo on the moon. But since I can't, for now I'm stuck with you people.
We want a 'bite and smile' shot.
Translation: Even 'Ogilvy On Advertising' is too avant garde for me.
Which one of you is the writer?
Translation: We hate the copy.
Which one of you is the art director?
Translation: We want the logo bigger.
We'd like you to have a look at what Europe is doing with this brand.
Translation: You don't have an igloo's chance in hell of ever seeing this
commercial produced.
Here's how I think the headline should go:
Translation: I am a frustrated ex-English major.
We had a lot of learning on this one.
Translation: I have no clue about production costs. I am hoping to score points with my boss and save money by eliminating those expensive backgrounds.
I love the layout.
Translation: I hate the idea.
(In an ad with a group shot) I think we should have a black person in this group shot.
Translation: I am white.
(In an ad with only one person) Why is the person in this ad black?
Translation: I am white.
I hope you guys didn't have to work all weekend on this!
Translation: The power I have over you amuses me.
Translation: We want to be the Nike of plumbing accessories.
We don't want your creativity to be constrained by a budget.
Translation: We are bankrupt.
Make the logo bigger.
Translation: You advertising people are all the same. All you want is to do some hoity-toity ad that's going to win you awards, take you to Miami on some overpriced photo shoot so you can do cocaine and spend my company's money on Bordeaux and osso bucco at four-star restaurants. Well, I'm on to your game. I may not know your fancy ad-talk, and I may not be able to figure out where you've hidden all the money for your hedonistic debauchery in my ad budget. But I do know one thing: people love my logo, dammit, and they want to see it. Personally, if it were up to me, I'd just buy a super-powered laser and project my logo on the moon. But since I can't, for now I'm stuck with you people.
We want a 'bite and smile' shot.
Translation: Even 'Ogilvy On Advertising' is too avant garde for me.
Which one of you is the writer?
Translation: We hate the copy.
Which one of you is the art director?
Translation: We want the logo bigger.
We'd like you to have a look at what Europe is doing with this brand.
Translation: You don't have an igloo's chance in hell of ever seeing this
commercial produced.
Here's how I think the headline should go:
Translation: I am a frustrated ex-English major.
We had a lot of learning on this one.
Translation: I have no clue about production costs. I am hoping to score points with my boss and save money by eliminating those expensive backgrounds.
I love the layout.
Translation: I hate the idea.
(In an ad with a group shot) I think we should have a black person in this group shot.
Translation: I am white.
(In an ad with only one person) Why is the person in this ad black?
Translation: I am white.
I hope you guys didn't have to work all weekend on this!
Translation: The power I have over you amuses me.
Signs that show you're Italian...
1. You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds and shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
2. Your father owns five houses, has $800,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo.
3. You share a bathroom with your five brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000.00 Camaro.
4. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, and travel agent are all blood relatives.
5. You consider dunking a pack of cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast.
6. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
7. You are a card-carrying V.I.P. at more than 3 dance clubs.
8. Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just Do Me" tank top.
9. At least five of your cousins live on your street.
10. All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
11. A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.
12. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
13. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 8", it is presumed your mother had an affair.
14. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
15. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
16. At some point in your life, you were a D.J.
17. Thirty years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone.
2. Your father owns five houses, has $800,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo.
3. You share a bathroom with your five brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000.00 Camaro.
4. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, and travel agent are all blood relatives.
5. You consider dunking a pack of cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast.
6. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
7. You are a card-carrying V.I.P. at more than 3 dance clubs.
8. Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just Do Me" tank top.
9. At least five of your cousins live on your street.
10. All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
11. A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.
12. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
13. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 8", it is presumed your mother had an affair.
14. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
15. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
16. At some point in your life, you were a D.J.
17. Thirty years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone.
Caring Teacher
A young teacher began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
The teacher approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, the teacher noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, the teacher offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the teacher then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the friggin' goalie!"
The teacher approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, the teacher noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, the teacher offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the teacher then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the friggin' goalie!"
The Monk's Story
A man was driving down the road and broke down near a monastery. He
went to the monastery and knocked on the door. An elderly monk
answered the door, and he said, "My car broke down. Do you think I
could stay the night?"
The monks graciously welcomed him into the monastery, fed him dinner,
even fixed his car. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a
strange sound.
The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but they
said, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but thanked them and went on his way.
Some years later, the same man broke down in front of the same
monastery. The monks welcomed him, fed him, even fixed his car. That
night, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard years
earlier.
The next morning, he asked what the noise was, but the monks
replied, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man said, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. How do I
become a monk?"
The monks replied, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When
you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man set about his task. Forty-five years later, he returned and
knocked on the door of the monastery. He said, "I have traveled the
Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are
145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand
pebbles on the Earth."
The monks replied, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now
show you the way to the sound."
The monks led the man to a wooden door, where the head monk
said, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He said, "Real
funny. may I have the key?" The monks gave him the key, and he opened
the door. Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone. The
man demanded the key to the stone door. The monks gave him the key,
and he opened it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demanded
another key from the monks, who provided it. Behind that door was
another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had
gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks said, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man was relieved to no end. He unlocked the door, turned the
knob, and behind that door he was amazed to find the source of that
strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it was because you're not a monk.
went to the monastery and knocked on the door. An elderly monk
answered the door, and he said, "My car broke down. Do you think I
could stay the night?"
The monks graciously welcomed him into the monastery, fed him dinner,
even fixed his car. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a
strange sound.
The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but they
said, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but thanked them and went on his way.
Some years later, the same man broke down in front of the same
monastery. The monks welcomed him, fed him, even fixed his car. That
night, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard years
earlier.
The next morning, he asked what the noise was, but the monks
replied, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man said, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. How do I
become a monk?"
The monks replied, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When
you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man set about his task. Forty-five years later, he returned and
knocked on the door of the monastery. He said, "I have traveled the
Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are
145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand
pebbles on the Earth."
The monks replied, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now
show you the way to the sound."
The monks led the man to a wooden door, where the head monk
said, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He said, "Real
funny. may I have the key?" The monks gave him the key, and he opened
the door. Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone. The
man demanded the key to the stone door. The monks gave him the key,
and he opened it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demanded
another key from the monks, who provided it. Behind that door was
another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had
gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks said, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man was relieved to no end. He unlocked the door, turned the
knob, and behind that door he was amazed to find the source of that
strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it was because you're not a monk.
Gentile Jokes
A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says:
"This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says:
"It's $500."
The Gentile says,
"OK, I'll take it."
----
Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says,
"You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?"
The other Gentile says,
"Just great! Thanks for asking!"
-----
Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about their children. Gentile mother #1 says (with pride): "My son is a construction worker!"
Gentile mother #2 says (with more pride): "My son is a truck driver!"
----
A man calls his mother and says,
"Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."
----
A Gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant. The man says:
"I'll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the Julienne salad with house dressing. We'll both have coffee."
The waiter says: "How would you like your steak and salad prepared?"
The man says "I'd like the steak medium, the salad is fine as is."
The waiter says: "Thank you."
----
A Gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks,
"Mom, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"
She says, "I feel fine, and I don't need anything. Thanks for calling."
----
A Gentile woman meets an old Gentile friend. The friend asks,
"How is your son getting along?"
The Gentile woman says:
"He's just fine. He just turned 35."
"And where does he live?" asks the friend.
"He lives at home with me. I don't think he'll ever get married."
The friend says,
"How nice."
"This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says:
"It's $500."
The Gentile says,
"OK, I'll take it."
----
Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says,
"You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?"
The other Gentile says,
"Just great! Thanks for asking!"
-----
Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about their children. Gentile mother #1 says (with pride): "My son is a construction worker!"
Gentile mother #2 says (with more pride): "My son is a truck driver!"
----
A man calls his mother and says,
"Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."
----
A Gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant. The man says:
"I'll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the Julienne salad with house dressing. We'll both have coffee."
The waiter says: "How would you like your steak and salad prepared?"
The man says "I'd like the steak medium, the salad is fine as is."
The waiter says: "Thank you."
----
A Gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks,
"Mom, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"
She says, "I feel fine, and I don't need anything. Thanks for calling."
----
A Gentile woman meets an old Gentile friend. The friend asks,
"How is your son getting along?"
The Gentile woman says:
"He's just fine. He just turned 35."
"And where does he live?" asks the friend.
"He lives at home with me. I don't think he'll ever get married."
The friend says,
"How nice."
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