A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance
who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something
false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three," and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three," and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Hillbilly Jokes
How many hillbillies does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky:
Hey, you sure don't sweat much for a fat woman."
Did you hear about the hillbilly who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a hillbilly?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The hillbilly gets emotionally involved.
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
How can you tell if a hillbilly is married?
There are tobacco juice stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky:
Hey, you sure don't sweat much for a fat woman."
Did you hear about the hillbilly who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a hillbilly?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The hillbilly gets emotionally involved.
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
How can you tell if a hillbilly is married?
There are tobacco juice stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
Advice
Show me a guy who's afraid to look bad, and I'll show you a guy you can beat every time.
--Lou Brock
Never tell a woman that you didn't realize she was pregnant unless you're certain that she is.
--Dave Barry
The best advice I ever got was to marry the girl I did. And she gave me the advice.
--General Mark Clark
The advice that means the most to me right now was not delivered directly to me. It's something I read that Fred Astaire said about his dance routines: "Get it 'til it's perfect, then cut two minutes."
--Susan Stamberg
I once complained to my father that I didn't seem to be able to do things the same way other people did. Dad's advice? "Margo, don't be a sheep. People hate sheep. They eat sheep."
--Margo Kaufman
My high school English teacher at the Bronx High School of Science, Dr. Isobel Gordon, used to deal with smart but lazy students who were trying to coast through her classes by telling us: "Don't smell the poem--read it!" In other words, don't slide by; dig in and reach for the best you've got.
--Jeff Greenfield
The best advice I've ever received was from my first editor, Paul C. Smith, as I began my column in July 1938: "For god's sake, kid, be entertaining. And remember, I have a short attention span."
--Herb Caen
"Take a chance--Columbus did."
--Bud Collins (from his mother)
The best advice I ever received was back in 1958 when I was playing the piano in a bar on Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C. A congressman came up to me and said, "Kid, stop singing `Stardust' and start singing about Congress. We are funny. Pay attention to us and you will have a brand-new career." I never got to thank him. He was indicted shortly after that.
--Mark Russell
The best advice I've ever received is the advice I have for young broadcasters: "The best way to sound like you know what you're talking about is to know what you're talking about." But young broadcasters rarely ask for advice. "How did you get your job? How much money do you make?" -- that's what they want to know.
--Scott Simon
Take the cash.
--Joe Queenan
"Young man, never be a solemn ass."
--Tom Wicker (from Jonathan Daniels)
--Lou Brock
Never tell a woman that you didn't realize she was pregnant unless you're certain that she is.
--Dave Barry
The best advice I ever got was to marry the girl I did. And she gave me the advice.
--General Mark Clark
The advice that means the most to me right now was not delivered directly to me. It's something I read that Fred Astaire said about his dance routines: "Get it 'til it's perfect, then cut two minutes."
--Susan Stamberg
I once complained to my father that I didn't seem to be able to do things the same way other people did. Dad's advice? "Margo, don't be a sheep. People hate sheep. They eat sheep."
--Margo Kaufman
My high school English teacher at the Bronx High School of Science, Dr. Isobel Gordon, used to deal with smart but lazy students who were trying to coast through her classes by telling us: "Don't smell the poem--read it!" In other words, don't slide by; dig in and reach for the best you've got.
--Jeff Greenfield
The best advice I've ever received was from my first editor, Paul C. Smith, as I began my column in July 1938: "For god's sake, kid, be entertaining. And remember, I have a short attention span."
--Herb Caen
"Take a chance--Columbus did."
--Bud Collins (from his mother)
The best advice I ever received was back in 1958 when I was playing the piano in a bar on Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C. A congressman came up to me and said, "Kid, stop singing `Stardust' and start singing about Congress. We are funny. Pay attention to us and you will have a brand-new career." I never got to thank him. He was indicted shortly after that.
--Mark Russell
The best advice I've ever received is the advice I have for young broadcasters: "The best way to sound like you know what you're talking about is to know what you're talking about." But young broadcasters rarely ask for advice. "How did you get your job? How much money do you make?" -- that's what they want to know.
--Scott Simon
Take the cash.
--Joe Queenan
"Young man, never be a solemn ass."
--Tom Wicker (from Jonathan Daniels)
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