Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Mean Woman at Wal-Mart
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart...Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell, no they ain't twins. The
oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart...Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell, no they ain't twins. The
oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
A Frenchman, An Englishman, and a New Yorker...
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce, primitive tribe in the Amazon.
The tribal chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you we're going to kill you, and then bind your skins together to make a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison". The chief gives him some poison extracted from local berries. The Frenchman says "Viva la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please". The chief gives him an old pistol. He points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs his shoulders and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts rapidly jabbing himself all over his stomach, his ribs, his chest, his backside, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's a horrible sight.
The native chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing?"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says "So much for your damn canoe, asshole!”
The tribal chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you we're going to kill you, and then bind your skins together to make a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison". The chief gives him some poison extracted from local berries. The Frenchman says "Viva la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please". The chief gives him an old pistol. He points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs his shoulders and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts rapidly jabbing himself all over his stomach, his ribs, his chest, his backside, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's a horrible sight.
The native chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing?"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says "So much for your damn canoe, asshole!”
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