A social worker asks a collegue: "What time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."
The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked
about it."
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Robbery Begets S&M
KALUGA, Russia (UPI) -- Russian police said a female hairdresser was
arrested for allegedly keeping an unsuccessful armed robber bound as a
sex slave for two days.
Web site Life.ru quoted police as saying the 32-year-old man entered
the hair salon at about 5 p.m. March 14, brandished a gun and demanded
money from workers and customers, The Moscow Times reported Wednesday.
However, the 28-year-old hairdresser, who had martial arts training,
disarmed the man and bound him with a hair-dryer cord.
Police told Life.ru that the woman then allegedly kept the man gagged
and handcuffed to a radiator for 48 hours. She is accused of forcing
him to take Viagra and forcing him to have sex with her multiple times.
The woman let her prisoner go March 16 and he went to police after
seeking treatment for injuries to his genitals.
The Web site said the man filed a complaint asking for the hairdresser
to be brought up on charges for "actions of a sexual nature." The woman
filed a complaint the next day seeking armed robbery charges against
the man.
"I don't know what's going to happen now," Life.ru quoted a police
source as saying. "We could put both of them behind bars: him for
robbery, her for rape and assault."
Monday, April 20, 2009
Woman's Ass Size Study
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results are pretty shocking:
1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's
a good man and they would have married him anyway.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Explaining Talmud
"Rabbi," the man said, "Explain the Talmud to me."
"Very well," he said. "First, I will ask you a question. If two men climb up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
"The dirty one," answers the man.
"No. They look at each other and the dirty man thinks he is clean and the clean man thinks he is dirty, therefore, the clean man washes himself." "Now, another question: If two men climb up a chimney and
one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
The man smiles and says, "You just told me, Rabbi. The man who is clean washes himself because he thinks he is dirty."
"No," says the Rabbi. "If they each look at themselves, the clean man knows he doesn't have to wash himself, so the dirty man washes himself." "Now, one more question. If two men climb up a chimney and one comes
out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
"I don't know, Rabbi. Depending on your point of view, it could be either one."
Again the Rabbi says, "No. If two men climb up a chimney, how could one man remain clean? They both are dirty, and they both wash themselves."
The confused man said, "Rabbi, you asked me the same question three times and you gave me three different answers. Is this some kind of a joke?"
"This is not a joke, my son. This is Talmud."
"Very well," he said. "First, I will ask you a question. If two men climb up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
"The dirty one," answers the man.
"No. They look at each other and the dirty man thinks he is clean and the clean man thinks he is dirty, therefore, the clean man washes himself." "Now, another question: If two men climb up a chimney and
one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
The man smiles and says, "You just told me, Rabbi. The man who is clean washes himself because he thinks he is dirty."
"No," says the Rabbi. "If they each look at themselves, the clean man knows he doesn't have to wash himself, so the dirty man washes himself." "Now, one more question. If two men climb up a chimney and one comes
out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
"I don't know, Rabbi. Depending on your point of view, it could be either one."
Again the Rabbi says, "No. If two men climb up a chimney, how could one man remain clean? They both are dirty, and they both wash themselves."
The confused man said, "Rabbi, you asked me the same question three times and you gave me three different answers. Is this some kind of a joke?"
"This is not a joke, my son. This is Talmud."
Friday, April 17, 2009
Elderly Driving
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.
As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.
This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my goodness! Am I driving?"
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Lighthouse
The two men stood on the lonely lighthouse. Through the fog they
could see a small boat making its way toward them, with a lonely
occupant. Suddenly a squall lifted the craft and tossed the man
into the water!
They sprang into action.
Hurriedly they launched their own craft and fought their way
through perilous and treacherous waters to reach the man. At last
they got him aboard.
"It's a good thing you rescued me," the dripping man said
gratefully. "I'm from the IRS. It's about your income taxes."
IRS Jokes
The Post Office just recalled their newest stamps: They had
pictures of IRS agents on them, and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.
How are an apple and a I.R.S. agent alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo jet full of I.R.S.
agents do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in
cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?
Skeet.
What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?
His co-workers.
What's brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
A Doberman.
What's the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.
pictures of IRS agents on them, and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.
How are an apple and a I.R.S. agent alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo jet full of I.R.S.
agents do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in
cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?
Skeet.
What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?
His co-workers.
What's brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
A Doberman.
What's the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Harry Kalas, 73
Harry Kalas, who died yesterday at 73, was the longtime radio announcer for the Philadelphia Phillies. For many years, he was paired in the radio booth with Richie "Whitey" Ashburn (a former Phllies player). This is from Phil Mushnick's column in today's NY Post:
The story that might best capture the Kalas-Ashburn pairing concerned late-running games, hunger and a thinly disguised order placed to a South Philadelphia pizzeria, Celebre's. We'll let Kalas, as he recalled in an interview with Philly's WIP Radio last year, take it from there:
"If it was a long game and Whitey would be getting hungry, he'd say, 'Well, I wonder if those people down at Celebre's Pizza are listening tonight.' Within 15 minutes, two pizzas would be delivered to the booth. This went on for a couple of months.
"Now, Phillies management called Whitey and they said, 'Rich, Celebre's is not a sponsor. You can't be throwing their name out there on the air all the time.'
"So, shortly after he was told this, maybe two or three weeks, there's an extra innings game; he's really hungry, and we do birthday wishes. Whitey said, 'Well, Harry, we have special birthday wishes tonight: To the Celebre twins, Plain and Pepperoni.'
"Fifteen minutes later, the pizzas arrived."
http://www.nypost.com/seven/04142009/sports/moresports/harry_kalas_dies_at_age_73_164293.htm
The story that might best capture the Kalas-Ashburn pairing concerned late-running games, hunger and a thinly disguised order placed to a South Philadelphia pizzeria, Celebre's. We'll let Kalas, as he recalled in an interview with Philly's WIP Radio last year, take it from there:
"If it was a long game and Whitey would be getting hungry, he'd say, 'Well, I wonder if those people down at Celebre's Pizza are listening tonight.' Within 15 minutes, two pizzas would be delivered to the booth. This went on for a couple of months.
"Now, Phillies management called Whitey and they said, 'Rich, Celebre's is not a sponsor. You can't be throwing their name out there on the air all the time.'
"So, shortly after he was told this, maybe two or three weeks, there's an extra innings game; he's really hungry, and we do birthday wishes. Whitey said, 'Well, Harry, we have special birthday wishes tonight: To the Celebre twins, Plain and Pepperoni.'
"Fifteen minutes later, the pizzas arrived."
http://www.nypost.com/seven/04142009/sports/moresports/harry_kalas_dies_at_age_73_164293.htm
Sunday, April 12, 2009
IRS Audit
While the IRS might be skipping audits of the rich, one of my
friends waa not so lucky.
My friend Kristi was called in for an audit. Like any of us she
was concerned, and asked her accountant for advice on what to wear
for the appointment.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,"
her accountant suggested.
She then asked her lawyer the same question, but got conflicting
advice. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most expensive
business suit."
Needless to say, Kristi was confused.
So she went to her parish Priest, told him of the conflicting
advice, and asked what he thought.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. "There was a woman
who was getting married and she asked her mother what to wear on
her wedding night. Her mother told her to wear a heavy, long,
flannel nightgown that went right up to her neck. But when she
asked her best friend, she got a different opinion. Her friend
told her to wear a sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to her
navel."
Kristi, a little perturbed with the Priest's response, said,
"Father, what does all this have to do with my problem with the
IRS?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest, "It doesn't matter what you wear,
you're going to get screwed!"
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Truisms
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity,
He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad
hairstyle exhorting you to send money.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to
take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
12. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that very moment.
13. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
annoy people who are not in them.
15. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity,
He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad
hairstyle exhorting you to send money.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to
take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
12. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that very moment.
13. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
annoy people who are not in them.
15. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Dice
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm topless."
With that she strips naked from the waist up, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new bra!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
With that she strips naked from the waist up, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new bra!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Top 16 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife
16. "I finished the Oreos."
15. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
14. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess Pamela Lee had two kids!!
13. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
12. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
11. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from
that Richard Simmons fella."
10. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta
hurt."
9. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
8. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth ?"
7. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
6. "Get your own ice cream."
5. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...
1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"
15. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
14. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess Pamela Lee had two kids!!
13. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
12. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
11. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from
that Richard Simmons fella."
10. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta
hurt."
9. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
8. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth ?"
7. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
6. "Get your own ice cream."
5. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...
1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Top 10 Reasons Christian Missionaries Give Jews to Get Them to Convert
Top 10 Reasons Christian Missionaries Give Jews to Get Them to Convert
10. Much wider selection in crucifix jewelry than Star of David jewelry.
9. In addition to the Almighty, you also get to pray to statues. (Catholicism)
8. Our fasts may last 40 days, but you have to give up only one thing. So, give up peanuts; they're constipating anyway.
7. The UJA will finally stop calling you.
6. Three, three, three gods in one!
5. Ahmadinejad won’t get you quite as worked up.
4. Now, YOU get to blame those damn Jews for killing Christ.
3. Two words: Bacon. Lobster.
2. You can go to Mel Gibson movies again.
1. Sure, you lose your share of the banks and the media, but you get a second Bible absolutely free!
10. Much wider selection in crucifix jewelry than Star of David jewelry.
9. In addition to the Almighty, you also get to pray to statues. (Catholicism)
8. Our fasts may last 40 days, but you have to give up only one thing. So, give up peanuts; they're constipating anyway.
7. The UJA will finally stop calling you.
6. Three, three, three gods in one!
5. Ahmadinejad won’t get you quite as worked up.
4. Now, YOU get to blame those damn Jews for killing Christ.
3. Two words: Bacon. Lobster.
2. You can go to Mel Gibson movies again.
1. Sure, you lose your share of the banks and the media, but you get a second Bible absolutely free!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
What Nationality was Jesus?
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
Monday, April 6, 2009
Quickie 3
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
None! They NEVER get the house!
None! They NEVER get the house!
Quickie 2
What did the blonde guy say to the large-breasted waitress after reading her name tag?
"What did you name the other one?"
"What did you name the other one?"
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Lesser Known Saints
Saint Kitt: Patron Saint of Beach Lounges
Saint Andrew: Patron Saint of Putting Greens
Saint Ives: Patron Saint of Volumizing Shampoo
Saint Tropez: Patron Saint of Deep Tanning
Saint Joseph: Patron Saint of Colorful Aspirin
Saint Moritz: Patron Saint of Snotty Hotel Service
Saint Laurent: Patron Saint of Ready-To-Wear Clothing
Saint Andrew: Patron Saint of Putting Greens
Saint Ives: Patron Saint of Volumizing Shampoo
Saint Tropez: Patron Saint of Deep Tanning
Saint Joseph: Patron Saint of Colorful Aspirin
Saint Moritz: Patron Saint of Snotty Hotel Service
Saint Laurent: Patron Saint of Ready-To-Wear Clothing
Spending the Night
A Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer were traveling from Chicago to Los Angeles when their car broke down late one night in Kansas. They walked to the nearest farm house and explained their situation to the farmer who answered the door.
"Ya'll be welcome to spend the night here if you want", the farmer said. "The only problem is I only have room for two. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."
"I will," exclaimed the Jew, and with that the men went to retire. A short time later came a knock at the door. It was the Jew.
"I'm sorry", the Jew said, "but I can't sleep in the barn. There's a pig in there, and my religion forbids me to sleep in the same room as a pig."
"Then I will go sleep in the barn" exclaimed the Hindu, and once more the men went to retire. Soon there came another knock at the door. It was the Hindu.
"I am very sorry", the Hindu said, "but I cannot sleep in the barn either. There is a cow in there, and my religion forbids me to sleep in the same room as a cow."
"Oh, for gosh sakes!", the lawyer cried. I'll go sleep in the damn barn!" and once again the men went to retire. A few minutes later there came yet another knock at the door. It was the cow and the pig...
"Ya'll be welcome to spend the night here if you want", the farmer said. "The only problem is I only have room for two. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."
"I will," exclaimed the Jew, and with that the men went to retire. A short time later came a knock at the door. It was the Jew.
"I'm sorry", the Jew said, "but I can't sleep in the barn. There's a pig in there, and my religion forbids me to sleep in the same room as a pig."
"Then I will go sleep in the barn" exclaimed the Hindu, and once more the men went to retire. Soon there came another knock at the door. It was the Hindu.
"I am very sorry", the Hindu said, "but I cannot sleep in the barn either. There is a cow in there, and my religion forbids me to sleep in the same room as a cow."
"Oh, for gosh sakes!", the lawyer cried. I'll go sleep in the damn barn!" and once again the men went to retire. A few minutes later there came yet another knock at the door. It was the cow and the pig...
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Physics Story
The following question appeared in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One enterprising student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed, on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics; to resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to verbally provide an answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"One, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 1/2gt squared (height equals half times gravity time squared). But bad luck on the barometer.
"Two, if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.
"Three, if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force (T = 2 pi sqr root of l over g).
"Four, if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easy to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.
"Five, if you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper, compare it with standard air pressure on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.
"Six, since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'I will give you this nice new barometer, if you will tell me the height of this skyscraper.'"
The arbiter re-graded the student with an 'A.'
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One enterprising student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed, on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics; to resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to verbally provide an answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"One, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 1/2gt squared (height equals half times gravity time squared). But bad luck on the barometer.
"Two, if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.
"Three, if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force (T = 2 pi sqr root of l over g).
"Four, if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easy to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.
"Five, if you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper, compare it with standard air pressure on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.
"Six, since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'I will give you this nice new barometer, if you will tell me the height of this skyscraper.'"
The arbiter re-graded the student with an 'A.'
How to impress a client...
I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late.
Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello, Max" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.
Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi, Max, what's happening?" To which I replied, "F**k off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."
Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello, Max" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.
Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi, Max, what's happening?" To which I replied, "F**k off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."
Friday, April 3, 2009
The Fiddle
My cousin Murray runs a pawnshop, I asked him to appraise my grandfather's violin.
"'Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle!"
"'Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle!"
Amish Jokes
How do you tell if you're in a redneck Amish neighborhood?
By the dead horses on cinderblocks in the front yard.
What's this?..."Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop.
An Amish drive-by shooting.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.
How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?
What are Amish porno movies like?
About 90 minutes of bare ankles!
What do Amish gangs do for revenge?
A drive-by shunning!
By the dead horses on cinderblocks in the front yard.
What's this?..."Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop.
An Amish drive-by shooting.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.
How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?
What are Amish porno movies like?
About 90 minutes of bare ankles!
What do Amish gangs do for revenge?
A drive-by shunning!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Walks into a bar...
A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar...and that's just the first guy who walked in. (Rimshot!)
Sick Immigrant
Two immigrants meet on the street.. "How's by you?" asks one.
"Could be worse. And you?"
"Surviving. But I have been sick a lot this year and it's costing me a fortune. In the past five months, I've spent over $10,000 on doctors and medicine."
"Ach, back home on that kind of money, you could be sick for five years."
"Could be worse. And you?"
"Surviving. But I have been sick a lot this year and it's costing me a fortune. In the past five months, I've spent over $10,000 on doctors and medicine."
"Ach, back home on that kind of money, you could be sick for five years."
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Engineers
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two
categories:
(1) things that need to be fixed, and
(2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
...
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below:
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
...
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* Hindenberg
* Space Shuttle Challenger
* Hubble space telescope
* Apollo 13
* Titanic
* Ford Pinto
* Corvair
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
...
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are
* How many cool devices they own
categories:
(1) things that need to be fixed, and
(2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
...
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below:
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
...
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* Hindenberg
* Space Shuttle Challenger
* Hubble space telescope
* Apollo 13
* Titanic
* Ford Pinto
* Corvair
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
...
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are
* How many cool devices they own
Trials of Age
Three older women were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then she says "That must be the door, I'll get it."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then she says "That must be the door, I'll get it."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
