More Offensive St. Patrick's Day Jokes

What do you call an Irish couple who use the rhythm method of birth control?
Parents.

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An eight-year-old Irish kid walked into a pub, stepped up to the bar, and said to the barmaid, "Gimme a double whiskey."

She looked at him and said, "What do you want to do, get me into trouble?"

"Maybe later," the kid said. "But for now, just give me the whiskey."

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An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"

The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"

"For fathering that playboy son," the Irishman replied.

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One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"

The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."

"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented. "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."

"No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled her."

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The new bride wanted to make sure she was doing everything properly. So she went to confession one Saturday and asked Father McCarthy, "Father, is it all right to have intercourse before communion?"

"Certainly, my dear," the priest replied. "As long as we don't make too much noise."

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Mrs. McGuire was driving down the street with twelve children in her station wagon when she zipped right through a stop sign. A nearby policeman chased her, put on his flashers, and pulled her over. When he went up to her window, he asked, "Lady, don't you know when to stop?"

"Two of them ain't mine," she replied, pointing back over her shoulder.