Top 16 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife

16. "I finished the Oreos."

15. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

14. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess Pamela Lee had two kids!!

13. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

12. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

11. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from
that Richard Simmons fella."

10. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta
hurt."

9. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

8. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth ?"

7. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

6. "Get your own ice cream."

5. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...

1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

Top 10 Reasons Christian Missionaries Give Jews to Get Them to Convert

Top 10 Reasons Christian Missionaries Give Jews to Get Them to Convert

10. Much wider selection in crucifix jewelry than Star of David jewelry.

9. In addition to the Almighty, you also get to pray to statues. (Catholicism)

8. Our fasts may last 40 days, but you have to give up only one thing. So, give up peanuts; they're constipating anyway.

7. The UJA will finally stop calling you.

6. Three, three, three gods in one!

5. Ahmadinejad won’t get you quite as worked up.

4. Now, YOU get to blame those damn Jews for killing Christ.

3. Two words: Bacon. Lobster.

2. You can go to Mel Gibson movies again.

1. Sure, you lose your share of the banks and the media, but you get a second Bible absolutely free!

What Nationality was Jesus?

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do