More Offensive St. Patrick's Day Jokes

What do you call an Irish couple who use the rhythm method of birth control?
Parents.

****

An eight-year-old Irish kid walked into a pub, stepped up to the bar, and said to the barmaid, "Gimme a double whiskey."

She looked at him and said, "What do you want to do, get me into trouble?"

"Maybe later," the kid said. "But for now, just give me the whiskey."

****

An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"

The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"

"For fathering that playboy son," the Irishman replied.

****

One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"

The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."

"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented. "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."

"No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled her."

****

The new bride wanted to make sure she was doing everything properly. So she went to confession one Saturday and asked Father McCarthy, "Father, is it all right to have intercourse before communion?"

"Certainly, my dear," the priest replied. "As long as we don't make too much noise."

****

Mrs. McGuire was driving down the street with twelve children in her station wagon when she zipped right through a stop sign. A nearby policeman chased her, put on his flashers, and pulled her over. When he went up to her window, he asked, "Lady, don't you know when to stop?"

"Two of them ain't mine," she replied, pointing back over her shoulder.

Offensive St. Patrick's Day Jokes

How does Irish Anonymous function?
If you feel like going on the wagon, a couple of drunks bring over a bottle.

****

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

****

How can you tell if an Irishman found a $10 bill?
Smell his breath.

****

O'Riley walked into the bedroom to find his wife rolling in the hay with another man. "What in the name of St. Paddy is going on? Who is this man?"

His wife thought for a moment, then said, "That's a fair question." She turned to the other man and asked, "What's your name?"

****

Paddy visited his parents the day after his wedding. His father took him aside and asked, "How did it go last night, son?"

Paddy winked and elbowed his dad. "Gee, great. You know, the way she was acting, I think I could have screwed her."

****

Define a problem drinker in Ireland.
A guy who never buys.

****

Why don't they cremate Irishmen?
The last time they tried, it took a week to put out the fire.

New Son-In-Law

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."